John, the disciple whom Jesus loves

The Apostle John intrigues me. I was reading his gospel one day and kept noticing he referred to himself several times in the third person, and he used a phrase that at first bothered me. He referred to himself as “the disciple whom Jesus loved”. At first I thought, "how arrogant". You know, “well there are these eleven disciples…those guys over there…and then there is me, the one He loves”. But I started doing some research on John in my Bible software and discovered some things I had never seen before.

Throughout the other gospels, there is continual mention of the inner three disciples, those closest to Jesus. It usually went like this: Peter, James, the son of Zebedee, and John his brother. Peter always gets first billing. He was the star! James always comes next (except for two times), and is also identified as the son of Zebedee. Oh, and then there is John. I see an identity crisis in the making here! Even being one of the three people closest to Jesus, he could have seen himself the way others had so often described him..."oh, and also John". Always the last one mentioned.

Of every reference to the disciple John in the four gospels, only once is he mentioned without reference to Peter and James, and only twice was he not mentioned last in the list. In every other reference, he was mentioned last, and not even as the son of his father, but simply as James’ brother. It may be well to also note that these three were partners in a fishing business, and even there John seems to be the last guy on the list.

So I’m thinking this guy probably struggles with his own significance. He could have been one of those people who have such strong needs for affirmation that they are constantly seeking the approval of others. And yet, you really don’t see this in his writings. What you see is a level of humility that is demonstrated in his lack of ever referring to himself directly. He always refers to himself in the third person, and often describes himself as the disciple whom Jesus loved. That is quite an identity to latch onto! He somehow got past all the identity issues thrust upon him from his life circumstances and found himself to be one who is loved by Jesus. He didn't refer to himself as one of the inner three, or the son of Zebedee, or even the brother of James. He was simply a disciple whom Jesus loved. That’s all he needed to be. That identity provided him all the security and significance he needed.

I would love to know what happened to John that brought him to grips with this identity.